I consider myself to be fairly self-aware. Above-average at least. But 10 days ago, I got a harsh reality check that made me re-examine some things. Before we get into the details of how I totally blew it, first let me explain how I got to that point in the first place.
Years ago, I worked for an employer who required everyone in training to record our interactions with clients (with their permission, of course). It took me a while to get over the initial discomfort of seeing and hearing myself on camera. But because there are so few opportunities to receive such direct feedback, I eventually came to value being able to break down my interactions at such a microscopic level.
I remember there was one client interaction, in particular, that solidified my confidence in my abilities. I came across as knowledgeable, sharp, and persuasive. When I sat down with with my supervisor afterward to watch the tape together, I eagerly awaited the praise that was sure to follow. My supervisor had a different opinion. He asked me to close my eyes, and then he replayed the footage so that I could only hear the audio without the aid of any visual cues. We didn't get very far into the recording before I started to squirm uncomfortably in my seat. It was clear that I sounded pushy, arrogant, and upset.
How did that go so terribly wrong? It didn't make sense. I'm generally a friendly and agreeable person. I'm not an arrogant jerk. I listen, I care, I try to show real consideration for the other person. If anything, I steer too far into people-pleasing territory, which means that I often put my own needs aside in order to accommodate everyone else's. So how could I have gone from nice to nasty, all the while being completely unaware that the subtle inflections in my voice were communicating to my client that I was 100% displeased?
Cut to 2017. Two weeks ago. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson and corrected course by now. Only you'd be wrong. I was at work - in a long and difficult meeting - trying to navigate a disagreement with a colleague. I had already made concession after concession, on top of weathering some pretty insensitive remarks that left me feeling burned. I let the comments roll off my shoulders, determined not to let my buttons get pushed. Besides, I'm sure she wasn't doing it intentionally. Rather than engage in conflict, I decided that the topic wasn't that important to me, and I ultimately conceded. Not a big deal - there are more important things in life to care about, right?
The next day, we found ourselves disagreeing about something else. I decided to take a different course of action this time, and stood up for myself. I calmly but firmly told my colleague that I didn't feel like I was being treated with respect. At face value, you'd think that would go over reasonably well. But it didn't. My colleague was completely caught off guard. She felt that I was overreacting and making things personal. The discussion deteriorated quickly from there, and in the end she walked away feeling hurt and confused. In short, my attempt to stand up for myself came across as bullying and short-fused, not to mention completely out of character.
I wish I could've played that recording back again, with my supervisor giving me the play-by-play of where I went wrong, and CliffsNotes on how to set things straight again. Without the advantage of his wisdom, I called upon friends and family for some insight. Thanks to their honesty, I think I finally understand what went wrong. It turns out I wasn't standing up for myself at all - I was just gunnysacking.
What the heck is gunnysacking? Good question. It's when a person mentally starts to track every grievance, annoyance, slight, or other perceived wrongdoing committed against them - but doesn't actually do or say anything about it. An actual gunny sack is a cloth bag made of burlap or gunny and tied with a drawstring. Imagine tossing so many items into the gunny sack that it gets heavier and heavier, and eventually it can't hold any more. Once the sack is completely full and about to burst, the bag and all of its contents are hurled at a poor unassuming victim in a sudden release of pent-up frustration. This leads to intense feelings of regret over the irrational outburst. Having such a negative experience with conflict leads to more avoidance, and the cycle begins anew.
In hindsight, I was obviously upset with my colleague after our first meeting. I felt dismissed when my ideas were repeatedly rejected, and I felt offended by her insensitive comments. I had an opportunity to be honest with her about that, but instead I stuffed my feelings away, smiled, and told her that it didn't matter and that everything was fine. Then the next day, WHAM! I hit her over the head with it at the slightest provocation. Of course she was caught off guard and of course she was confused. And I bet it won't surprise you that I did the same thing to my client all those years ago.
If you're a people-pleaser like l am, you probably spend a good amount of time and energy taking responsibility for others peoples' stress and discomfort. But you're probably also a serial gunnysacker, too. Because without clear boundaries, we make it too easy for others to inadvertently overstep beyond our breaking points. Always making sure the other person is comfortable comes at the expense of developing healthy, reciprocal relationships. And it's hard to fault others for the very behaviors we enable. I feel like I've finally seen the light at the end of the gunny sack, and have a chance to break the cycle. Because without a little conflict every now and then, nobody learns and nobody grows.