Top Five Annoying Drivers - Part 1

If you do any of these things, you might be a chronically bad driver.

My patience with other drivers has hit an all time low. My daily commute from door to desk is almost an hour, often longer and rarely shorter. There's usually an accident or two every morning, and another in the afternoon, which is a surprisingly low statistic based on the many, many stupid decisions I see people make on the road every single day. I genuinely try to be an understanding person, but sometimes driving into work is enough to make me lose faith in humanity by 8 AM.

Ever since I started commuting downtown, I've been compiling a list of the worst offenders. I was planning to put some real thought into this post before publishing it. But then this morning, my coworker told me her commute was an hour longer than usual due to a car catching fire, and I suddenly realized the extent of my commuter's desensitization when the shock barely registered. That's when I decided enough was enough. I needed to vent. So friends, the time has come to call out these vehicular barbarians. In no particular order, here are my Top Five Annoying Drivers:

1. The Spaz - This is the driver who speeds up, slows down, races ahead, changes lanes, changes back, slows down, you get the idea. Their indiscriminate and erratic choices put everyone else at risk, though they are completely oblivious to the irritation and mayhem they leave in their wake. A couple months ago, my husband and I were cruising down the interstate with the flow of traffic, when a blurry car blasted past us at lightning speed. A few minutes later, we're all caught up with Fly-By, who by now is (inexplicably) moseying around in the right lane, barely crawling along at a snail's pace. A few minutes later, he zips by us all over again, going 20 past the speed limit only to casually putz around in the right lane some more. Don't be that guy.

2. The Shadow - I feel like Shadows lack a basic understanding of cause-and-effect. First, let me clarify that I cannot move any faster because there are literally hundreds of cars in front of me preventing me from accelerating, regardless of how close your front bumper gets to my rear end. Tailgating isn't just annoying for the person being tailgated; it can literally create or amplify phantom traffic jams for hours to come. Without enough distance between cars to absorb small changes in the flow, tailgaters slam on their brakes to avoid collision, thus creating a chain reaction of traffic coming to a near or complete stop behind them. So thanks, Shadow, for ruining the commute for half the city.

3. The Sidekick - Whereas The Shadow establishes a constant and obvious presence in your rear view mirror, The Sidekick lurks where no mirror can see. This is equally annoying and dangerous. Pay attention to the other lanes and try not to glue yourself to someone else's blind spot.

4. The Passenger - Passengers can't be bothered with the tedious chore of actually driving. They'd rather text their friends, scroll through Facebook, check email, or listen to tunes. They're really just along for the ride. These drivers have clearly forgotten that they are responsible for handling about 3 to 4 tons of heavy machinery, and that cars aren't play toys, but are typically the second most expensive investment people make after a house. Pay attention to the road, Passengers, and stop being so darn distracted.

5. The Beauty - I hesitated to include this because some of my friends are Beauties, but this definitely deserves a place on the list. I see way too many women putting on makeup while driving, and I'm sorry but there's no way you're not distracted when your eyes are on the mirror instead of on the road. Whether you're powdering your cheeks or putting on mascara - whether you're the only car on the road or dead-stopped in traffic - please do not apply makeup while driving. I've gotten really good at spotting Beauties (and Passengers) by the exceedingly large distance they leave the car in front of them. If you're buying yourself an extra split second of reaction time because you're compensating for being distracted, that's probably not a good sign.