Impostor Syndrome in G minor

A lifelong dream of mine is to one day play an instrument.

Technically speaking, I do play several instruments. I began learning piano at age 11 or 12. I've even performed in front of a crowd. But I don't always admit to my musicianship because that usually leads to two popular follow-up questions: what can I play and how well do I play. That's where I get hung up every time.

How well do I play? I guess I'm...okay.

That's my usual answer, and how I honestly feel about it. Let's put it this way - I won't embarrass myself playing a tune, so long as there's nobody in the crowd who is trained to know better. And of course my abilities wax and wane with how much I've been practicing. Like many people who used to play an instrument in childhood, I went over a decade without playing and it was almost too much effort to seriously pick it up again. I did eventually, but haven’t practiced much in the past several months and am sure to be pretty rusty by now. And so I have a love-hate relationship with music. I do love to play, and it brings me great joy. But I also feel that I'll never be proficient enough to play with real fidelity – to the point that playing sometimes results in bitter disappointment. Do I play an instrument? Like really play? At times, I want to say yes. Other times, I feel like a fraud.

This is not an uncommon feeling. It's likely that you've experienced situations where you've felt undeserving of a reward, promotion, title, or other recognition, because of self-doubt. Despite your capabilities, at times you've probably downplayed your own success because you're so fearful of your perceived shortcomings. This persistent fear of exposing yourself as a fraud is known as the Impostor Syndrome.

If only they knew I'm not actually experienced enough, or talented enough...

The Impostor Syndrome is particularly pervasive among high-achievers. For example, I know from experience that grad students specialize in self-doubt and feelings of complete ineptitude. These feelings can result in behavioral paralysis on the one hand, or overcompensation on the other. The Impostor Syndrome prevents us from being able to enjoy success, or to acknowledge our own merits, and it’s linked to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

It's no wonder, then, that I can't just relax and enjoy the music! The enjoyment of sitting down at the piano and playing, for the sake of playing itself, was conflated with my drive for achievement almost from the very beginning. When I first began to play, I drew up a short list of pieces that would serve as my benchmarks of musical success. If I could play those pieces reasonably well, then (and only then) could I call myself a pianist and consider my hobby a success. And I wouldn't be an impostor.

At first, it was motivating to reach for such great heights. How could I not feel inspired? Take Chopin's Ballade ​​No. 1 in G minor, Op. 23 (one of the handful of pieces that landed in my "benchmarks" list). It's absolutely extraordinary! You would probably recognize it if you heard it. It's appeared in a number of movie soundtracks, including The Pianist. Although abbreviated for the film, its technical difficulty and emotional impact were central to creating one of the most dramatic and moving scenes in cinema. Who wouldn't want to play a piece like that?

As I progressed, the distance between the sounds coming from my own fingers, and the sounds made by professional concert pianists on the recordings became less motivating and more frustrating. I unfortunately stopped playing piano altogether in college when life got too busy and there were too many distractions. The longer I went without practice, the further the gap between my early ambition and my waning competence. Years later, I stumbled upon a wonderful article about a newspaper editor with similar aspirations. Shortly before his 57th birthday, Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, decided to give himself a year to learn Chopin’s Ballade (a fun coincidence!). He detailed his musical journey in Play It Again: An Amateur Against the Impossible (2013). As editor of a successful newspaper, the demands on his time were far greater than my own, and I found his story encouraging.

I began to trudge through the process of re-building mastery and dexterity. I even got to a place where I felt capable enough to start chipping away at the Ballade. It’s a daily struggle to carve out enough time, and I don’t always succeed. I believe that one day, I will finally do justice to Chopin’s masterpiece. In the meantime, I'm still mentally stuck on whether or not I can really play an instrument while trying to accept that whatever skills I have right now are good enough. After all, what is an accomplishment without the journey?

#music #inspiration #Chopin #impostersyndrome